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While we’re already at Illium, I decide to help Miranda with her problem too. I grab uh, yeah, Garrus again and we go find Miranda’s contact.

Miranda tells me she needs help relocating her twin sister because her evil crazy father is trying to get to her. I imagine Miranda’s father as a cartoonish villain, with a mustache, overly elaborate clothes, and a sinister grin. Ooh he’s so evil, I just wanna…ooooooooooh.

We meet the contact and now a new name, Niket pops up. Miranda says he’s a good friend that she trusts a lot. Okay, that’s uh great I guess but can we keep the emergence of new information like this to a minimum? I hate having to do all this processing when I’m all set on shooty shooty gun mode. 

We go uh, god somewhere, I don’t think I paid any attention during this drive. I was really way too busy staring out the window to notice where we were going or why. Whatever, ain’t my sister.

We’re at a sort of warehouse place and some Eclipse mercs come out and try to act super tough at me and Miranda. And then oh god, here’s new info again. Turns out the twin is like several years younger than Miranda. Okaaaaaay, how old is she now? 19? All right, so, it’s kinda stupid to give her back to her father now. Then I find that the sister was a baby when Miranda stole her. Sure. Makes sense. I am still solidly on Miranda’s side in this because, as we noted earlier, her father is super evil.

Everyone else though seems to think that stealing a baby is a way bigger deal than I do, and that I should be yelling or scolding Miranda for doing it. But I don’t care! Babies are perfect for stealing! They can’t fight you and they won’t remember it later! They fit in a carry on! Why is this baby stealing so horrible? 

I get sick of this merc talking and me and my crew  make with bullet shooting. As we make our way through a bunch of shipping areas and transport hubs or whatever, we keep hearing blips over the radio about Niket helping the mercs. Miranda’s got some serious denial going on, but I let it go. I’m sure it’ll all work out. 

We get to an elevator and take it up to the a floor where another Eclipse merc and Niket are waiting. And Niket is definitely helping them. Miranda flips out at him and then he flips out her. First for the baby stealing thing. Dude, we went over this. And then because Miranda’s sister would be better off with her father because he is rich. I’m hella confused because Miranda said this dude was her friend. I’ve known her for like a week and I don’t like her father. Did she never tell him that he was evil? How is being with an evil dude better just because he’s rich? Oh he gave you money and this is just pathetic justification. I get it. 

Miranda tries to shoot him but I stop her because I don’t need that weepy train all over my ship for the next 2 weeks. I’m sure every time I swung by her office it’d be “boo hoo hoo, I shot my best friend, can I hug YOU Shepard? Do you wanna come over for makeovers and girl talk, Shepard? Waaaaaah.” 

The eclipse merc is obviously easily bored by emotions and shoots Niket in the back anyways, so now we’s gots a fight on our hands. These Eclipse bastards I swear to god go down easier every time though, so we’re done quick. And then we go somewhere else to check on Miranda’s sister, who is safe and sound and I make Miranda go talk to her.

I want some alone time with Garrus anyways. 

All right, I finally decide I’ll head after Thane. I go meet with the contact Liara mentioned and she tells me that Thane is heading to kill Nassana.

That name sounds familiar, I think and then say. Oh yeah, she was that two-faced lying asari bitch from the Citadel before I died. I hate that bitch. If Thane is trying to kill her, good for him.

The asari contact agrees and drives me, Gar, and Miranda to Nassana’s tower, where she is in the penthouse or something. There’s some salarian workers in the tower that Nassana has turned her mechs on. They’re all pretty freaked out and we start fighting our way through the mechs and some mercs and a bunch of other assholes. 

We end up at a room with three salarians in it, one of whom I accidentally punch. Like…actually accidentally. I seriously didn’t mean to punch him. Where is the apologize interrupt? Ah dang it.

Upstairs, we find Nassana who thinks that I’m the one trying to break in to kill her. No, I’m not. Oh I’ll admit, it’s tempting! I’d certainly like to.  I’m…currently thinking about it, that’s for sure. But that’s not really the WHY of my presence here right now. I’m just gonna wait for this other dude to kill you and then ask if he wants to come hang out with me. This just seemed like a good meeting place, ya know?

While Nassana rants angrily at me, her guards hear the sounds of someone banging around in the pipes. Oh god, we’re freaking out, what is that? Before they can do anything, Thane drops down and kills the all the guards and Nassana.

DUDE

AWESOOOOOOOOOME.

I ask if he’ll come with us to our cool ship and he can totally come with me and Garrus the most, I promise. He agrees, naturally.

Back on board, Jacob was apparently walking around with his pants off, holding his cheeks wide so that any interested parties could easily find his asshole and crawl up. Unfortunately the only that did make the trip was his goddamn head. He’s be bitchy and saying that he doesn’t like Thane.

What’s your problem, Jacob?

I inquire. He tells me that an assassin might just turn around and shoot me because all he cares about is getting paid? Jacob this doesn’t make any sense. Why would he shoot me, he’s on my team now. Go stop being a bitch, and I swear I’m not letting you come to these debriefings anymore. Tell Miranda to come to them or instead or fuck, let’s not even fucking bother because I swear everyone just leaves them angry. Ugh. 

Look it me, Jacob. Now I’m all upset. 

The Illusive Man has three more people he wants me to recruit and I figure I’ll get to those soon. Except that oh god, every single person suddenly wants to talk to me. Miranda, Jacob, Grunt, Mordin, they all need something and they all need it right now.

Mordin wants to talk about the genophage and how he did stuff to it and I just never know what to say to him when he gets on this tear. The genophage, yeah, I uh…maybe someone who like…not to sound disinterested, but someone who maybe has uh, stronger opinions than mine? I don’t know, it’s like, I can’t just pick a side in this. I get it, you both make excellent points. Do I have two-headed coin that is all scratched up on one side that I can flip? The scratched up side is my scarred renegade face and the other side is my beautiful paragon face. I just don’t know what you want from me. I cannot make you all happy! I’m sorry! Aaaaah!

After I talk to everyone about their various family and other problems, I decide I don’t currently want to help any of them. I want to go get this Assassin fellow, Thane Krios. Also it’s on Illium and Liara is there and I guess I’ll stop in and see how she’s doing. 

On Illium, I’m immediately greeted by an asari who tells me that Liara paid all my fees or whatever for me. Uh, thanks. I head on in and there is, whoa, a lot of people who are waiting to talk to me. I am so goddamn popular. First is an asari who has a message from the Rachni queen for me. Then Gianna who buys me a beer and wants me to help bust a chick for her, which I definitely do because it is so funny watching these Asari get in trouble and try to whine their way out of it. 

I head into Eternity where…are you fucking kidding me? Conrad? FUCKING…CONRAD? I really want to shoot him in the foot or punch him or something but really seeing him just makes me feel fucking exhausted so I ask him what the fuck he’s doing there and why the fuck is he wearing N7 armor and why is he hassling this delightful seeming bartender? He explains some shit about an undercover cop and I reluctantly agree to take care of it. The bartender thanks me for taking care of Conrad and I talk to her for a while, and then oooooh yeah! Drinks! I drink til me head starts spinning and then decide this is the perfect time to go see my old girlfriend.

In Liara’s office, we uh…oh god did we just awkwardly kiss? I felt incredibly uncomfortable doing that. You kinda scare me now too, lady. I’m not sure…I don’t think I want this anymore. Can you just, can you point me towards Thane? And maybe Samara the justicar while I’m up here? Please? She gives me the necessary information and I leave as fast as I can. Still uncomfortable.

I know what will cheer me up: Listening in on other people’s conversations! Some guys are watching an asari dance, a turian is trying to get in this quarian’s bodysuit. Then there’s this krogan reading poetry to his asari girlfriend to try to win back her heart. Now this looks like a problem for Commander Shepard. For one thing, this poetry is bad and it needs to stop. I run over to the asari and ask what’s going on and then immediately tell her to take her boyfriend back. I’m glad I could make such a snap decision on their relationship, I sure hope he’s not crazy abusive or anything. Haha! You kids have fun!

My crew was slowly growing and we next went to recruit a Krogan, Warlord Okeer. Because what awesome intergalactic crew of space badasses is complete without a Krogan? 

We find the Warlord, but he’s growing Krogan and it’s not going especially amazing. Shit goes to hell and we have to start shooting and shit, Okeer’s dead. But there’s a tank-grown Krogan left behind. I guess I’ll take that. I mean I need a Krogan from somewhere, anywhere. 

Back on the ship, The Illusive Man wants to talk to me. Oh great. I just love talking to him. I avoid the debriefing room for as long as possible. I talk to Jacob, Garrus (who is too busy calibrating), Kelly, Joker, the two engineers, Mess Sergeant Gardner, Dr. Chakwas, absolutely everybody I can. Then I finally go to talk to Illusive Man. Bleh.

A colony, Horizon, has just gone black. And we need to go check it out. Aaaaand, Kaiden is there. All right, fine, Joker, take us to Horizon.

At the colony, Kaiden is wearing armor with lots of fun little lights on it. Hehehe. What the hell is that outfit Kaiden?

I grab Garrus and uuuh god…Jack? Sure, let’s bring Jack. She could use the air. Mordin has worked out a defense against the swarms so I think we’re ready for this. We land, and start taking out collector drone, after collector drone. Garrus almost dies because instead of taking cover he keeps standing on top of it like he’s the goddamn king of everything. Garrus! Look, you’re awesome, I know, but get the fuck down! Get BEHIND the goddamn box, goddammit!

Then some drone gets taken over or something and starts yelling shit at me about me feeling stuff and how it loves me and thinks I have pretty hair and it’s got big plans for me and all kinds of horribly creepy things.

There’s also husks! Yuck! And a bunch of empty rooms that I run in to check the safes for money that I can take. Look these colonists…they’re, well…they’re probably dead. So I might as well take those credits.

We find a mechanic guy in a room who answers a few questions for us about what the hell’s going on and what Kaiden’s doing. He tells me the Alliance has some guns there for defense but that they need calibrating.

Calibrations you say?

I have just the man for the job.

We head towards the gun to get it working, fighting our way through more collectors while Garrus triumphantly stands on boxes in the middle of fights.

COVER GARRUS TAKE COVER

We get to the gun, get it calibrated but need to keep the drones off it while it starts up or something. It kinda sucks, but we manage to do it.

And then here comes Kaiden. And he is mad at me. Oh Shepard, why haven’t you called? Even after I explain that whole, two-year-long coma thing he’s still upset. And nothing I say can make him happy. He just stands there with his angry face. Garrus tries to convince him to cool it too, but to no avail. Kaiden just loves the Alliance so much.

Look dude. I love them too, but do you know what I love more?

Myself.

Garrus loves me more too. And that’s why we are flying this ship around and doing what we want. Now are you coming with us or not?

Okay, so that’s a not.

Hmph.  

Back on the ship, I decide to make the rounds again. I start talking to Jacob but I sound like someone who couldn’t keep it in her pants if I was paid to keep it in my pants, which I am not. Still Jacob doesn’t really do it for me and I need to get this guy friend-zoned and FAST. 

I check in with Kelly and with Joker and EDI, as usual and read my new emails. Buuuuh. Screw this, let’s go fly around in space! I check the galaxy map and decide to head towards the Citadel and see what Councilor Anderson wanted. 

When I get there, he’s got the rest of the Council on the holotalker thing which is getting some of the shittiest reception ever. What carrier do you guys use? Seriously, this is awful. What did you say? I can’t…Are you flying through a tunnel, what the fuck? 

I ask them what is up with the whole, pretending there’s no Reapers when there was that giant one that attacked the Citadel a while back and they’re like, what reaper, what citadel, we don’t know what you’re talking about. It is frustrating, like talking to children. They tell me they’ll reinstate my Spectre status but that I don’t have to call in reports. Honestly I’m a little disappointed I won’t get to hang up on them constantly. They don’t seem very enthused or concerned or have any emotion whatsoever about the whole Spectre title. I guess they are really into pogs now instead. I need to wait for the Spectre craze to come around again.

I chat with Anderson for a bit and then head down to the Wards. I hit up every shop and offer to record an endorsement for each one, declaring them all to be my favorite store on the Citadel. I wonder for a while if this will someday come back to bite me in the ass. It has to, right? They’ve GOT to go someone else’s shop at some point. Or someone will tell them. This can’t just work and never cause a problem. I go ahead and do it though, and just wait for the day all my hubris comes back to haunt me. I need to get my mind off this problem, doesn’t this place have a bar?

Ah-ha, yesssssss it does. I drink and drink and drink until I pass out and wake up in the men’s room with Garrus leaning over me. 

Garrus.

Gar.

Can you keep the little mouthpiece part of my thing out of the way? While I vomit?

You are the best.

I also took a moment to pick up Kasumi from the Citadel. She seems cool enough. But there is of course another deal that I was not told about. Great.

Back on the ship I decide I need more crew members and decide to go after The Convict. We head towards the prison ship and once me, Gar, and Mordin arrive they of course want us to give them our guns. 

Hahahahahaahahaahaha. That’s hilarious. It’s also never going to happen ever. You are seriously the funniest warden I have ever met though, you should try a career in stand up comedy or something.

He decides to “let us” keep your weapons. How generous of him. He shows us around the ship and explains his little racket to us then points us towards processing to pick up our prisoner. As we get there though, a trap is immediately sprung. The Warden was planning on capturing me and then selling me to slavers.

Did I mention how hilarious this guy is? Comedy genius!

We start shooting our way through the ship to get to Jack, the prisoner I’m picking up. I end up at a console that Mordin says will open every cell, but is necessary if we want to get Jack. Uh, okay, let’s do it. I’m not gonna just leave, I mean I came here to get someone and I intend to leave with that person. I hack the planet. I mean the system and Jack is suddenly raised out of her cell in the room in front of us. She busts out of her restraints and starts destroying everything. Oh boy. This should be fun.

Jack starts fucking up everything in the prison and I gotta try to catch up with her. I also need to kill that warden fucker. This is all going horribly wrong. Ugh. 

After a lot of shooting, I finally catch up to Jack. I politely invite her to join me on my spaceship and she calls me a pussy. 

…

Well fine stay here and die then what do I care

(I say this, even though a second ago, I was totally insistent that we not leave without her.)

She agrees then to come with me and book it the fuck out of there. Fuck this place.

Back on the Normandy I already have an email from a prisoner thanking me for busting him out of that prison and that he’s gonna go around killing people in my name. Oh great, I’m sure this won’t come back to bite me in the ass ever. 

We got Garrus on the Normandy and the doctor patched his face up. His armor is all busted though and he’s got a wicked scar now. He seems to be in a pretty good mood though, all things considered, and it sure is nice to see him again. He goes to work on the guns and I make the rounds on the ship quick. 

I check in with Kelly who says she wants to just give Garrus a big hug. Oh man, I wanna do that too! She says that me and Garrus would make a cute couple. We..uh…oh. I guess I never…hmmm. There was that dream that time…but uh…well…

I’m gonna go talk to Joker, Kelly. You’ve stirred up some feelings I’m not sure what to do with!

I head to the cockpit and tell Joker that Garrus is back and he seems excited as well. Finally I check in with Garrus to make sure his tiny room with no bed is okay, and that all these Cerberus people are being nice to him. Also how are you feeling because we’re gonna go get Mordin now and I intend to take you with me everywhere I go. 

Back on Omega, I start to head towards the quarantine zone where Mordin is apparently running a clinic. I am quickly distracted however by the all the shops in the area. Oooooh stuff to buy? I will buy all of it. Model ships? Yes! Those things that those engineering people needed? Yeah I’ll get those. Only after hitting every single shop do I finally go to the quarantine zone. 

A turian is outside telling a lady that she can’t go in. That NO ONE can go in. Well fuck. I need to go in there! I reason with him, by explaining that I am awesome, I have a gun, and I am a problem-fixer. He doesn’t seem to actually care if I go in, so he opens the door. He makes the other lady stay out though. Sorry lady! I’ll take care of everything. 

In the quarantine zone, there’s a bunch of Blood Pack mercs. Well, mostly Vorcha trying to kill us. Ugh, those things are so gross. I love those ones with the flame throwers though. Hahah, you’re so dumb, you pretty much just strapped a bomb to your back! Hahahahahahahahaha. 

We find a sick Batarian and for some reason I give him some medi-gel. Ugh. Garrus says he’s not feeling well and I momentarily feel bad for taking him with me. Uuuh, heh, I’m sure this’ll be fine, Gar. The Batarian explains that everyone is blaming the plague on humans, since they’re immune to it. And now the Vorcha are looting the homes of humans in the district. While running around, I find an apartment with two humans in it. They’re holed up trying to avoid the Vorcha, I tell them to follow me to Mordin’s clinic, as that is probably the safest place. They agree, and before we  leave I hack their wall safe. Heh.

Garrus, Miranda, and I clear a path to Mordin’s where we are able to talk to him with absolutely no resistance from anyone else. I figured a nurse or something would tell me to wait until he was done with something but nope, I just walked right in there. I would’ve walked right in there if there HAD been a nurse, but I guess this just saved me having to punch someone for asking me to be patient for one goddamn second. 

Mordin is an awfully chatty dude, but I manage to figure out that he’s cured the plague, takes a moment to cure Garrus and now needs my help to get the cure into the air. Also find his assistant. Yeah I can do that. All that. Me, Gar, and Miranda grab the cure and head toward the ventilation system. I find the assistant, and regrettably decide not to shoot a batarian again. We get the cure in the vents and shoot a whole lot of Vorcha. 

Back at the clinic, Mordin is pleased and decides to join up with us to stop the Collectors. 

And I go back to my cabin, to contemplate what Kelly said about Garrus some more…

Aria informed me that all the local merc groups, the Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse were all teaming up to take down Archangel because he has been a pain in the ass for them for some time now. Haha, he sounds awesome. Our plan of action then is to pretend to help the mercs out in order to get to Archangel. Okay, and then what? We don’t know. Sounds perfect, I love it.

I head down a hallway to talk to, go figure, a batarian. He tells me that the stripper sign ups are elsewhere. I am somewhat perplexed by this comment, as there are definitely lady mercs in the universe, and it’s not like I wore my “sexy” armor outfit tonight or anything. I do the most sensible thing I can think of and pull my gun on him. He decides that since I brought my own gun, I can go help them shoot at people. He gives me instructions on where to go and as I am leaving some dumbass is also signing up to go shoot Archangel. Oh he JUST BOUGHT the gun, that sounds even better. I’m slightly concerned that this idiot will shoot ME in the back of the head, so I tell him to fuck off and not get himself killed on this mission. And by not get himself killed, I mean not get ME killed. Because he is an idiot. 

Miranda, Jacob, and I head to the shuttle that is taking us to the rest of the mercs preparing to fight Archangel. They explain that they have some heavy mechs and a gunship they are repairing for the fight. When no one is looking I hack the mech. Haha, idiots. Also I’m hacking your datapaaaads. Taking your credittttssss. Muahahaha. 

I wander a bit talking to different mercs, none of whom are very polite. I finally find the guy working on the gunship and in the middle of our conversation, shit starts going down. But I tase him in the back and we take off towards Archangel. 

We’re the last ones to the party and we take out the few freelance merc idiots in front of us. We run up a flight of stairs and there’s a dude in blue armor with a sniper rifle. He walks towards me and takes off his helmet and

OH MY GOD GARRUS! IT’S GARRUS! AAAAH GARRUS GARRUS GARRUS! 

I pee a little in my space suit out of excitement and start jumping up and down all over the room. IT’S GARRUS YOU GUYS LOOK IT’S GARRUS!

He seems slightly less excited to see me, probably because there are still people intending to kill  him right now and oh yeah, we came up here without any kind of exit strategy of our own. Haha, whoops. I was just gonna wing it! It’ll work, I’m sure!

Thankfully with four of us there now, Garrus says that he has a plan. And that plan is to shoot people until we can leave. I love it. It is exactly the plan I would’ve come up with, if I hadn’t been too busy freaking out that you were Garrus and that I was hanging out with you again.

We shoot mercs for a while, until Garrus discovers that some are trying to get in through the basement level downstairs. Miranda and I head down there and I leave Jacob to look after Garrus (more like, leaving Garrus to look after Jacob). Miranda and I head down and start closing shutters, except that damn things take 10 seconds to close. Goddammit, who designed these doors. They’re like stupid ass garage doors that start to close and then when someone goes under it, they start to go back up and you gotta hit the button again and it’ll go back down until the dog runs under AGAIN and it’s going up and you gotta hit the button and arrrrgh goddamn Vorcha!

Finally we get all three closed and go back upstairs to Garrus. It is much nicer to be hanging out with him. We kill some more mercs and then OH FUCK THAT GUN SHIP. OH NO IT SHOT GARRUS! 

GARRRRUUUUSSSSS!

I hit the ship with everything we’ve got. I pop it with a Reave, Miranda gets a Warp, and Jacob…I don’t know, he’s Jacob. We took it down goddamn fast and I rushed to Garrus. Oh god he’s bleeding. Oh god it’s blue. 

Oh god I don’t know what’s going on.

Oh god get him on our spaceship. 

Everyone in Cerberus wanted me to go get Mordin first. I don’t like those guys much though, and I am unbelievably contradictory so I looked over my dossiers and decided to head for Archangel instead. They’re both on Omega, and I can get Mordin afterwards. It’s a compromise! A compromise!

As soon as I get there, a fucking Batarian is giving me grief about doing what I want and I try like hell to just pull a gun and shoot him in his giant head, but I can’t. He tells me I need to go see Aria right away. Whatever dude. Whoever that is. Leave me alone.

Further down the hallway is a hideous looking man beating up a more hideous looking Batarian. The hideous looking man is Zaeed and I’m like, are you gonna go get on my ship or what? He tells me that Cerberus made a deal with him. Of course they did. Fucking deals. Whatever. Go on the ship, go to a tiny room on a lower deck. Don’t come out of there. Don’t talk to me. Shoot garbage into space.

I get turned around for a second because all of this hallway looks the same but then I remember what I was doing and head through a door. I am outside, in front of Afterlife where a long line of people wait to get in and other people just sorta mill about. I look at Afterlife.

A BAR. 

I run up the stairs to the door as fast as I can. The guy at the door says to go right in, Aria’s expecting me.

Who’s whatting what now? Oh yeah that chick. Whatever. 

I am on a mission for DRINKS. 

In the hallway though, I first start talking to some thug-like dudes who say they’re gonna beat me up. I tell them to get lost and they eventually do. I don’t know why I even started talking to those guys, they were obviously unsavory characters. It’s not like they ran over to me. What the hell, I think I have a problem with seeking out trouble.

In the bar, I order some shots and buy some brandy for Dr. Chakwas. Then I head upstairs to talk to Aria. She is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo annoying. Lookit me, I am wearing a half-jacket. Look at the collars I have popped. Lookit, lookit, lookit. I sit on her couch and ask her questions about Archangel and Mordin. She’s like, oh, I don’t give a fuck about you Shepard.

WELL YOU SURE SEEMED ANXIOUS FOR ME TO COME SEE YOU. 

WHATEVER WOMAN I AM LEAVING. 

DON’T CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS IT’S IMPORTANT. 

I head back to the bar for more drinks instead. I want to be good and wasted before this next mission. 

I have totally gotta check out all the parts of this new spaceship. Oh but first Miranda and Jacob want to taaaaalk to me. Big shock there. They go over some stuff the Illusive Man said last time I talked to him. Go get Mordin Solus, build a team, fly your spaceship, yeah yeah yeah, whatever. I asked him where my old team was and he told me they were allllll too busy to hang out with me now. Miranda was being all bossy to me then. I mumbled at her under my breath as she talked.

“reckinfreckingstupidcerberusgonnarenegadeinterruptyourightinyourboobanditwillhurt”

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT A VI ON MY SHIP

Finally they stop talking.

Actually I’m too distracted to think about it much right now, because NEW SPACESHIP. Look! There’s a new galaxy map, and new chairs that people will sit in while I walk around and look over their shoulders, and a new airlock and a room I can’t go into and another room with Jacob and guns and an elevator? Oh man okay I gotta get on this thing. A CAPTAIN’S CABIN? GO! GO!

This is so sweet! I got a bathroom and a fishtank and a bed and a couch and a desk for all my important work and…oh a picture of Liara. I uh…huh. 

Okay let’s go downstairs. Hey! Some more bathrooms! And a chef guy! He seems cool! And more rooms I can’t go in. And Miranda! Hey you got a pretty nice room too. How come we got beds and Jacob don’t? She doesn’t have an answer. I head to the med bay instead and what do you know, it’s Dr. Goddamn Chakwas! 

I head down to the last level and chat with some nice engineer folks and then back up to the Command Center. Who is this redheaded chick? I talk to her and she introduces herself as Kelly. She is like my secretary or something. I guess I get to chase around the galaxy map, pinching her ass later. She tells me I have new messages at my terminal. My terminal? Oh look! A terminal!

HOLY WHAT I HAVE LIKE 20 MESSAGES!

Wait, one of these is from Councilor Anderson? And another is from Admiral Hackett? How do these people know I’m alive already? I have gone on ONE mission and the only other people who made it out of that were Tali and Veetor. Did Tali run off and just start calling everyone? How did they find out how to email me so fast? 

KELLLLLYYYYYYYY

EXPLAIN THIS. 

After a short shuttle ride (or  maybe a long one?) we ended up at some other Cerberus base. Oh I remember that shuttle ride now; Miranda was asking me questions and after every one Jacob would be like “Satisfied?????” with that many question marks and everything. Then Miranda would ask me more questions and I’d be like uuuugh shut up, don’t we have Space Highway Bingo around here anywhere that we could play instead? Look, I saw a quasar, I’m marking that spot. 

At the base they tell me the Illusive Man wants to talk to me, but first I need to check that my clothes are right and I need to poke around at things and generally not do what they told me to. Finally I head towards the room they pointed me towards but, hey! this room is empt-whoa what the, okay it’s like a holodeck. Little warning next time? 

So Illusive Man. 

This guy seems annoying. I mostly tune him out and stare at his floor where the stars were doing some weird reflect-y thing that did not look right. Uh huh…Freedom’s Progress sure. Uh huh, yeah, no you’re a douche, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. 

Finally he stops talking and I leave, back upstairs to harass Miranda and Jacob. Hey Miranda, guess who’s got the questions NOW, beeyotch. It’s ME. I have them. She answers most of them and then I say that she obviously doesn’t feel like talking, even though she really did seem to feel like talking. 

I go bother Jacob instead and he brought out the most neutral of feelings in me. He asks if I trust him. I dunno. I shrug. He asks me something else. I shrug again. OKAY I’M BORED LET’S GO SHOOT THINGS INSTEAD. I head for the door and we take another damn shuttle I guess to Freedom’s Progress. 

There, I’m supposed to figure out why a bunch of human colonists have been going missing. The place is completely empty except for a bunch of minerals I can take and some robots that are attacking me. And what! Quarians? TALI?! TALI! IT’S ME SHEPARD! LOOK! LOOK! IT’S ME! 

She is not nearly as excited as I want her to be. 

The Quarians explain that they are to find a colleague of theirs named Veetor who was at the colony on pilgrimage. So we split up and start looking for him and things go to shit (big surprise) and Jacob, Miranda, and I end up finding Veetor first. And he is having a goddamn FIT. He shows us some footage of some oh gah-ross are those bugs? Yuck. And what are those things? Collectors? Those are maybe even grosser looking than the bugs. 

Tali insists on taking Veetor with her and giving us his omni-tool data, and Miranda insists we take Veetor with us. I don’t really get why Miranda thinks we need to bring him along so I leave him with Tali and take the data. We head back to their stupid base thing and The Illusive Man explains to me that he has a surpriiiiiiissseee for me! 

JOKER!

A SPACESHIP!

IT’S THE NORMANDY!

I STILL HATE YOU BUT I LOVE THIS STUFF!