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After that thorough decontamination, I decide I am clean enough to put on this fancy dress Kasumi got me and go do her mission. Let me just grab Garru-

What do you mean…“no?”

But, but, but

I bring Garrus everywhere. 

I pout super hard but Kasumi still insists that it be just the two of us for this mission. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

We need to get Kasumi’s former partner’s graybox back from this asshole Donovan Hock. I’m getting into this party he’s throwing under the fake name Allison Gunn, and smuggling my armor and guns in with a “gift” for Hock of a solid gold statue of Saren. 

God, how much scanning did I do for that…

Security gives us some guff and Hock tells them to let me in, but not Kasumi. After Hock leaves, I ask Kasumi why he didn’t let her in. Is it because I am wearing a pretty dress and you are still in your little hooded thief outfit? Is that it? Oh, you don’t know why? You don’t think it’s the dress code thing…

Inside the party, I sneak down to the vault, which is remarkably accessible. I was expecting several tunnels or something, but I just went down a flight of stairs and there it was. Kasumi, having snuck into the party and cloaking her way around, comes downstairs and looks at the system. She figures we need a voice print, the password, and some DNA. All right then.

I decide to get the voice print first so I can hopefully never talk to this Hock asshole again. I say something to him that fires him up and he decides it’s time for a fucking speech. Afterwards he looks at me.

I should go.

I next look for some DNA. A guard in front of Hock’s room tells me the door is locked and I can’t go in there. Man.

You guys should put a guy near the vault. 

Kasumi and I sneak into Hock’s room another way and she tells me to start looking around for DNA. I find a credit chit in the couch, check his pillows, check some stuff on the walls, check an ashtray. I check a plant and Kasumi berates me for it. Well I don’t see you checking anything! If you know so much about finding DNA samples, why don’t you do it? Who found the money in the couch huh? That was me. I find things. Don’t tell me how to fucking do it. There might’ve been money on that plant too. God I’m so angry now, where’s that fucking DNA.

I finally find some, and we casually stroll through the party, until we find a room with guards that we just walk in and kill. We find the password on a datapad.

“Peruggia.”

Uuuh. I found it Kasumi, it’s uhh…pu…rug..uuuh..Oh you said it. Oh thank god. I’m betting that vault doesn’t let you in if you pronounce the password wrong.

Lastly we cut power to the vault. I change into my armor and grab all my favorite guns and we head inside. 

MOTHERFUCKING HOCK HAS A LOT OF SHIT.

Kasumi tells me to find the graybox but I am far too distracted. Why don’t you find it? Last I checked you LOOOOOVE FINDING THINGS. I need to look at every single thing in here first.

Ooooh my god! This Krogan statue is awesome, we need to take it back to the ship. And this statue, and the turian one, and this rachni queen! I’m calling Joker!

Unfortunately I can’t take the statues with me. I can’t even scan them to figure out how to make my own statues. Dang it. I grab the graybox and me and Kasumi get ready to book it out of there, when goddddaaammmmn it a bunch of Hock’s mercs start attacking. 

We quickly rid ourselves of them and continue outside where Hock is going to shoot at us with a damn gunship. After a scuffle with him, the shuttle lands and we had back to the Normandy. 

Where I am now wandering the ship in this dress.

TONIGHT EVERYONE. THE CIC DECK IS BLACK TIE.  

Back on the ship, I decide to go see how Garrus is doing. Hopefully he’s not dealing with what happened by burying his head in a bunch of calibrations again. I’m pleased to find that he does want to talk! He thanks me for the help and I thank him for being on my ship. I ask him some other questions and then he…

then he tells me a dirty story! A dirty story!

SHEPARD THIS IS YOUR IN! MAKE YOUR MOVE!

I sexily lean on his console, messing up several settings and tell Garrus with a wink that maybe we could make some dirty stories together sometime eh? Maybe he could show me how he gets that armor on and off  eh? 

Eh Garrus?

He seems a little startled at my proposition because we can’t even share the same drinks, but agrees anyways. I’m totally ready to do this, right here right now, but…I guess I’m leaving instead.

Keep that on your brain, Garrus. I’m gonna go use my sexy skills on Samara’s daughter.

Yes you’re coming along.

We head to Omega and look around for Samara’s daughter, Morinth. We decide to go ask Aria if she knows anything since she is Omega and we’re like…inside her now, or something. She points us towards a recent murder and says she doesn’t care if some Ardat Yahtzee or whatever is running around killing people. Bitch, is there anything you DO care about? Do your people just bring you info all day and you tell them you don’t care and manage to rule through complete apathy? Whatever, we’re going.

We head to this apartment and find a distraught mother desperate for someone to find out who murdered her daughter Nef. I think about smirking at that, but then remember that my name is Dizzy. I ask if we can check around her room for clues and the mother agrees. We find Nef was indeed hanging with Morinth in the VIP area of Afterlife. We find the password to the club and head that way, hoping to find Morinth inside.

Before heading in, Samara reviews with me some of Morinth’s interests and things I should talk to her about. Hey Samara! I have an idea, we should have Miranda do this because she already dressed for the occasion.  No? Fine. Let’s go over this stuff, she likes music, likes art, likes killing things. Got it.

I drop the password to the bouncer and head inside. I kinda wanted to tell him that the NEW password is “SHEPARD WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU” but some of these people are too stupid to be appropriately nervous around me anyways. 

Inside I start trying to attract Morinth’s attention. I will talk to this guy quietly in the corner. I will do a bit of subdued dancing. Nothing too outrageous. I will tell this bartender to give everyone a round on the house! I will let him announce it though. Please, no showboating for me.

Suddenly an asari in an outfit I would call “distressing” approaches me. Oh, you’ve been watching me, huh? Is it because I am the only person in here in cargo shorts? You like pockets baby? Because I got a lot of pockets. Aw yeah, you can put a credit chit in those, know what I’m sayin?

Morinth and I grab a large, family sized booth and sit far away from each other. This is getting intense. I really wish I could rub my forehead with the back of my hand right now…

Morinth asks me something and for far too long, I think about telling her that I am really into justicars. I am like a justicar aficionado. I subscribe to Justicar Monthly and go to Justicar Conventions. I collect justicar trading cards. We call them justicards. Hold on, I have my album with my collection with me! You’re gonna love this!

Instead I tell her that I…like…uh, art? It’s so…meaningful and expressive? Sure. Oh god I think she’s buying it.

Next I tell her that I like um music? drugs? shooting things? Are we done here yet?

She wants to go to her apartment. I agree, even though I really want to just kill her already. 

In her apartment, I run around looking at all her stuff. Oooooh, you mind if I scan these? I could use this. She’s got a chess board and some swords and other crap. Finally I go sit next to her on the couch. This is so awkward. Please don’t touch my leg. No oh god no, don’t sit on my lap. Bad touch, bad touch. I am acting the fuck out of this because my insides are trying to set themselves on fire. This bitch be creepy. 

FINALLY Samara bursts into the room and starts with the Morinth murdering.

ABOUT GODDAMN TIME WOMAN! JESUS CHRIST, WHERE WERE YOU! 

Did you get distracted by poison you can drink at the bars around here? 

Fuck.

You know your daughter is pretty horrible!

She kills Morinth, and we head back to the ship, where I run directly to my cabin for the longest, looooongest shower ever.

While still at the Citadel, and still kicking it with Thane and Garrus (as usual) I decide to hit up Captain Bailey in C-Sec and ask him if he’s got any info on Thane’s son. He’s a Drell. Probably wearing an outfit a lot like this one Thane has on, with the exposed chest and stuff. Any help?

Bailey says he saw him hanging out with Mouse and I should go bother him instead. He tells me Mouse is selling a VI of me that says crazy shit like “if you wanna read that file, you’ll have to buy me another drink goddammit.” And then it would fire a fake gun in the air and pass out on your desk. Well that’s just…that’s just mean.

Garrus makes a joke at this. Oh haha, sure now you’re just a goddamn riot aren’t you? Now that I’m the one that’s all mad it’s fucking hilarious is that it? I…

*sigh*

I can’t stay or get made at you. You’re right. Let’s go find this guy.

Thankfully he’s just like….upstairs and he tells us what we want to know. Thane’s son was seen talking to Elias Kelham and we need to find HIM now instead. He gives me a copy of the Shepard VI too, but I can’t figure out how to install that thing in the Normandy at all. 

We head back to Bailey and tell him what we found out and can he bring in that Kelham guy? Pretty please? 

Oh, you have a “deal” with him. I frown at Bailey. It is a hard frown. Hey, Bailey. I got creds. How ’bout I bribe you to not take bribes? Now get Kelham in here.

In the interrogation room, I tell Thane that he can be bad cop.

And I will be what the fuck, get me away from her cop.

Kelham refuses to talk. I punch him in the face. He threatens me with lawyers and fancy talk and I punch him again. Thane asks me to go easy because I might kill him.

Kill him from punching him? What? Oh wait, I have like a lot of bone weaves and shit, I guess these might be hurting him more than I reali-GODDAMN KELHAM I’M SICK OF  YOUR SHIT! 

Aaaand I punch him again.

Finally I get what I want, and Kelham passes out or something, who cares. Let’s leave.

Thane’s son, Kolyat was hired to kill a local Turian politician. Thane and I will follow the politician around until Kolyat reveals himself. Makes sense.

While following the guy, I make little notes to myself.

“This guy is a douchebag.”

“What is on the bottom of my boots? They sure walk on metal quietly.”

“Where is Garrus? Is he getting drunk without me?”

Suddenly Kolyat comes charging at the Turian with a gun like…the worst assassination attempt ever. It’s a gun dude, you can shoot someone with it from far away. You don’t have to run at them screaming. Oh jeesh, now I gotta chase after you and stop you.

Thane and I find Kolyat in a room with the turian, ready to kill him. Kolyat is really pissed at seeing Thane suddenly and ready to pop that trigger at any second. I shoot the lamp behind him, and punch the gun out of his hands? It all happened quite fast, even I don’t remember what happened.

Except that Kolyat is the worst fucking assassin ever. Hug your fucking dad. Idiot.

I convince Bailey to give Kolyat community service instead of jailtime. He’s like “eeeeeh” and I’m like, bitch don’t make me frown at you again. 

Another day saved, we all head back to the ship. 

Wait wait wait.

First the bar.

Then the ship.

Well Jacob’s mission was a real buzzkill. 

Garrus, Thane. Get your guns, we’re going to the Citadel and we’re doing yous guys’ shit. 

Yes we are going drinking afterwards. I can’t believe you even have to ask that.

I decide to start with Garrus’s. A contact is waiting in a warehouse near that talking soda machine. Soda? Is it soda? I guess I never really made note of what it was actually selling. Just that it was really enthusiastic about it. I am an advertising execs’ nightmare. My brain logs absolute no relevant information of what it hears. 

In the warehouse is a little volus and a couple of Krogan bodyguards. The volus claims to be Fade and I start thinking of how cool it would be roll him like a big bowling ball into those two Krogan. Garrus threatens the little volus to tell him where Sidonis is and the volus freaks out. Okay, we got him, he’s not Fade and his bodyguards back down easily when confronted by three people who look slightly buzzed and absolutely ready to kill anything. 

The volus tells us that Fade is actually Harkin. 

I remember that fucker. 

He tells us where to find him and we take off. I am feeling punchy already and Garrus is getting like super worked up. Maybe a little too worked up. I decide to tone down my anger for Garrus’s sake. Let’s get another drink quick, buddy, okay. Loosen up and stuff. No, no, Garrus no punching everyone we see. I’m mad too, but let’s reel this in a bit. 

We head to the warehouse where we find Harkin and a bunch of Blue Suns. Harkin runs inside and leaves like 3 mercs to handle us. Garrus cackles at him and I begin to wonder if the stop at the bar was a good idea. Garrrruuuuuusssssss. 

Inside we fight our way past more mercs and a couple of heavy mechs before finally reaching Harkin. Garrus roughs him up a bit, until Harkin finally sets up a meeting for Garrus with Sidonis. As we leave, Garrus goes to shoot Harkin but I stop him.

Seriously buddy, let’s just go okay. No he pisses me off too but let’s just…c’mon. Garrus turns and headbutts Harkin instead.

Haha, okay I’ll allow that. Headbutting is hilarious. 

On our way to the meeting point, I try to talk Garrus out of shooting a guy in the head in the middle of a public gathering place. Look Garrus, let me talk to him, this might reflect poorly on me. Also you are getting like a crazed look in your eyes that I find kind of unsettling. Garrus insists that he wants to do this and I tell him I’m worried about him and he tells me he’s fine and we go back and forth for a bit until we finally move into position and Thane gives me a look from the back seat that says “That conversation will be awkward to relive in perfect detail later.” 

Sorry.

I find Sidonis and approach him. Garrus tells me to move so he can shoot him, but I stand there and talk to him for a while, telling him not to move or ya know, KAPOW. Sidonis panicks a bit and then breaks down, telling me all kinds of depressing shit. Aww, Garrus look at this guy. You can’t shoot this guy. He’s like…pathetic.

Fine, Garrus says. 

We all head back to cab and I reassure Garrus that he did the right thing.

Don’t worry Gar-Bear. 

Shep will make it all better. 

Back on the ship, I check my journal to figure out what I should do next. Man, everyone wants me to do something for them. I look at Jacob’s mission. 

Jacob was the first person to ask me for help. Would it be mean, I wonder, to wait to do his mission until the very very very end? I decide that it would be mean. Then I take a moment to decide if…if maybe I want to be mean. However I remember that I need to get this dude friend-zoned and to get past our conversation of “when you gonna help me, Shep?” I would need to actually go help him.

Fine, Jacob, your mission it is. 

Jacob is interested in finding his father, whose ship went missing ten years ago, and now suddenly is sending out a distress beacon. We land on the planet and see the remains of the ship buried in the side of it. A little AI dude is stuttering his way through warnings and stuff and we take a moment to talk to him. 

Hey little dude, what’s up?

He informs us that the local plant life is toxic and eating it will make us crazy. Well. That’s good to know. I didn’t plan on having lunch here, but I will keep that in mind when crazy people start attacking me. I am sure this is what will happen now.

Inside the ship we check for more clues. A log says that Jacob’s father is acting captain and Jacob says that’s not right, his father was first officer. I stare at Jacob. 

Do you think, maybe, Jacob, that something might have happened to the captain that would result in your father being acting captain? Like maybe when the ship crashed into a planet? Does that seem in the realm of possibility to you, Jacob? I swear to god, if you say anything else so stupid while we are here, we will go back to the ship and your dad can just stay missing.

Also on the ship is a bunch of straw, like they were hauling livestock or something but I don’t see any farm animals around, much to my chagrin.

We continue outside the ship when we see a lady stammering on about crazy shit near a bunch of boxes that look good for hiding behind. She tells me about hunters or some such stuff when I see some dudes creeping up ready to shoot her. I shove her out of the way, while we dispose of them. I try to ask her more questions, but I guess she’s just peed herself and is too distraught to talk. 

We walk some more and find what looks like a settlement full of women. Hello ladies. Perhaps you can help us ou-or you can freak out at Jacob, that works too. DAMMIT JACOB! I sigh and we keep walking when a bunch of mechs pop out to attack us. We quickly dispose of them and one lady who I guess hasn’t gone completely bonkers yet, tells us what’s going on a bit more in words that are hard to make sense of. Whatever.

I’m gonna blow this robot up to get past these boxes. 

I rig the robot to explode in 3 seconds.

Wait, I what?

Shit, what the fuck, run away. 

Why the fuck did I…

Sorry. Sorry guys. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

We walk some more fighting our way past robots and crazy dudes, discovering that the officers of the ship had taken the good food for themselves and made the crew eat the toxic food. And…also divvied up the ladies for their lady-needs. What the…that’s messed up. The rest of the officers are also now dead. 

Finally we find Jacob’s father, all like “hurray someone came for me! I’m so happy to be saved!”

Well, I am not happy. 

He asks who I am. What the fuck? What do you mean who am I? 

Oh, yeah you’ve been missing for 10 years. Wow, you have a lot to catch up on. Have you heard this shit about the new advancements in thermal clips for exam- wait you have. *sigh* Okay well, this is your son, he’s pissed at you. 

They argue for a bit, I tell Jacob we’ll just let the Alliance come pick up his sleazy dad and we book it the fuck outta there. 

On the ship, we’re asking the Illusive Man how Jacob even GOT the stuff about his dad in the first place! Turns out it was Miranda. I don’t know why I care. I’m leaving guys, I’m gonna go look at my model ships. Let me know when you need something important. 

Back on the ship, I’m having a little chat with Captain Illusive Dude. Oh Shepard, he tells me, I totally knew it was a trap, but I don’t like to tell you everything but trust me I know what I’m doing. It might seem weird to act like you should trust me when I send you into traps but it was just my way of showing that I like you!

I flip him off and go back to the command center where I ask Kelly if she can keep that dude off my back for a while. I load up the galaxy map and decide that I’m too tired to do any big lofty missions right now; let’s just go to the Citadel.

We land and I wander around for a bit listening to ads and conversations. A couple of Krogan are concerned about eating some fish from the Presidium lake.

This looks like a job for Commander Shepard.

I head into the bar and find one of the groundskeepers and ask him if he can get me one of those fish. He tells me there aren’t any fish. Well. 

As long as I’m in the bar, I might as well have a few drinks.

I run into the bathroom and…what the, there’s that turian! The one that is always in there when I pass out! Do you just stand in here waiting for me to drink myself into a stupor? I guess that wouldn’t take long!

I head back down to the Krogan and tell them that there are no fish and to stop cluttering up the air with their dumb conversations. They sigh and move on with their lives and I decide to go back to my spaceship. We’ll go to to uuuuuuh Tuchunka again! Help Grunt out, see how Wrex is doing. 

On Tuchunka, Wrex tells me that Grunt is reaching adulthood and needs to do something something something, god I’m so bad at paying attention. I have liqour-induced attention deficit disorder, I swear to god. WREX OH MY GOD I HAVE THE COOLEST SPACESHIP! Oh Grunt’s thing, right right…

We go talk to the Shaman who tells us Grunt needs to go do some fighting and he can take some people with him. No not your whole crew, jeesh, like two people or something. Like two people exactly. Like him, you, and someone else. 

This one Krogan won’t shut up, so I headbutt him. I wanted to just start headbutting every Krogan I encountered, but I couldn’t. 

The shaman dude sends us out to a battlefield and I’m supposed to activate a keystone to start the ritual. Wait hold on, I need to bypass this thing. Grunt keeps pestering me. ACTIVATE THE KEYSTONE.

HOLD. ON. 

I need these credits.

Finally I activate it and a bunch of varren start coming at us in well spaced out groups. Hardly a challenge for me, Gar, and Grunt. Oh gosh is your varren on fire, I think it is. Next up is Klixen, but really the most terrifying part is the giant monster that drops them? I think it drops them. I tried shooting that thing like a dozen times before I realized it was just unphased by me. After the Klixen, Grunt is again yelling at me to activate the keystone, but I am picking up ammo and searching these dead Krogan out here. At last I activate it again and the ground starts rumbling.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what

Then at the edge of the arena thing, pops up a goddamn Thresher Maw.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what

After the initial jaw drop though, I immediately spring into action. BIG GUN BIG GUN BIG GUN.

I have the particle beam with me which is nice because this damn thing keeps popping back into the ground and popping back up elsewhere and I probably would’ve missed with the CAIN. Eventually we kill the thing and then, then I notice that the challenge was only to survive for like 5 minutes.

Well.

Fuck it, I wouldn’t have wanted to be around that thing for another like 2 minutes. 

Suddenly this other Krogan that was being a douche to Grunt earlier is there and asking Grunt to join his clan. Oh what, now that he helped kill this Thresher Maw he’s all cool? I like him for his charming personality! I tell Grunt it’s his choice, because I know he’ll make the right one. He tells this other Krogan to screw off and we get to fight them. Dammit, I thought I was done fighting after that damn Maw. 

Grunt’s mission completed, we head back to the Normandy but on our way hear that there have been several breeding requests put in for Grunt.

And one for me.

I….

accept.

We leave Tuchunka and get back on the Normandy. I got other stuff to do on that planet, but I’ll get to them in a bit. I want to check on my fish and my hamster and oh Garrus wants to talk to me, and my spaceship is so cool. 

I immediately head to Garrus’s tiny room where he sleeps on these boxes I guess, and he tells me he can finally take a break from calibrating to tell me stuff. He says he’s got a lead on the guy who betrayed his squad and got them all killed, and he wants my help finding him and killing him. Oh Garrus, of course, anything for you! Do you promise to be like crazy intense during the whole thing? Awesome.

I head back upstairs to my map and my email when I instead find out from Kelly that someone else wants to talk to me.

The Illusive Man.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, noooooooooooooooooooo. Kelly tell him I’m busy or something? Take a message? I hate talking to that guy! I don’t wannaaaaaaa. 

I go into the debriefing room where my table I’ve never put anything on sinks down into the floor and I step into the weird hologram thing. I am grumpy at having to deal with this, but the Illusive Man informs me that there’s a disabled collector ship and I need to go check it out to gather intel. He says a turian patrol ship shot it and that’s why it’s disabled. 

For real? I’m supposed to believe that a small patrol ship took out a collector vessel? Because I don’t really believe that.

I reluctantly agree to it, and Joker sets in a course. I grab Garrus and Thane and we board the ship and AH! Good lord! Thane! What are you wearing on your face? What is that? Is that your space helmet? That thing looks like a gimp mask, are you seriously wearing that? 

Look Thane. Look at me. Helmet. Look at Garrus. Helmet. Now look at that…thing that you are wearing. And now try to justify it to me. You can’t. You are lucky that I think you’re cool because goddammit…

We start walking with our guns out, sure that there will be a million collectors behind every corner but there’s…there’s not. No one is bothering us at all. I head into a hallway that looks like it has lots of cover and immediately dart behind something, expecting an attack at any second. But…nothing comes. So I get back up and keep walking while Garrus thinks about asking me if there’s something wrong, or suggesting I cut back on the coffee from the Mess Sergeant. 

We keep moving and find weird pods that the collectors were putting people in and a creepy pile of bodies and a dead collector that I have EDI analyze. She discovers some stuff that points to the collectors actually BEING Protheans and I’m like, whoa, what were we talking about again? There wasn’t anything to shoot or try to have sex with and I got distracted.

We find a thing to push buttons on and upload data to EDI on the collectors, when OH FUCK.

IT IS A TRAP.

Not a very good trap, I have to say. A good trap wouldn’t have let me get this much information in the first place. Anyway, Harbie is popping down to say his hellos and I am popping out of cover to say FUCK YOU! REAVE! REAVE! REAVE! AAHAHAHA!

I gotta say these moving platform things you guys have are really annoying.

We start fighting our way out of the ship, kicking collector ass left and right. One of their giant bug things comes out and is trying to kill me. I get out the CAIN. Charging…charging…chargiiiiinggg, goddammit….POW! FUCK!

I missed!

WAIT NO! HA! I DIDN’T! 

Joker is prodding us to please hurry, and we pick up the pace. We round one last corner and there are husks just fucking everywhere. I pull out a machine gun instead and start mowing ’em down, and targeting our powers to hit as many as we can. After thinning the herd a bit, I lower my shoulder and rush past them to the shuttle and to the Normandy. 

Phewf-ta. That was rough.

I think me and Mr. Illusive Guy need to have a conversation about his “ideas.”

After recruiting Samara, I pop in to see how Kelly is doing. Oh she’s sad that we never get to hang out, well let’s go hang out then. Afterwards she mentions that she saw my fish. Yes, I’m sure you did, it’s like one entire wall of my cabin. Then she offers to feed them while I’m gone.

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssss

Fuck yes feed my fish, woman. 

With the worries of my fish off my mind, I decide to buckle down and do Mordin’s mission, even though I know it’ll involve genophage stuff and things that I honestly just never want to talk about. But let’s just get it over with please. We head to Tuchanka, the krogan homeworld where Mordin says one of his old team members from the Special Tasks Group went missing. 

On Tuchanka, I’m instructed to go see the Clan Chief right away. Uuuh okay. I might not, but I will keep that in mind. We climb over a bunch of rubble into a huge area that I take a moment to poke around in before heading over to the Chief.

OH EM GEE. IT IS WREX!

I dart over there hella fast now, but a guard stops me and tells me that I have to waaaiiit. Are you serious? This is a joke right?

Thankfully before I become enraged, Wrex sees me from his chair and yells my name super excitedly. I smirk at the guard and walk past him. Wrex! It is so good to see you! 

Wrex is maybe the happiest person to see me so far. None of this “oh Cerberus? You’ve changed Shepard,” bullshit that’s for goddamn sure. 

Wrex tells me how things are going on Tuchanka and directs me to talk to the scout guy or whatever. I ask him about Mordin’s friend and he tells me a salarian was seen with some Blood Pack mercs or something, and that I can take a truck to go to the Krogan hospital they are holed up in. 

So we do, and we find lots of stuff to talk about, that’s for sure. A dead human, a dead krogan, a sick krogan, lots of stuff. Mordin seems pretty worked up about this genophage stuff so I pat him on the shoulder or…something. Eeeesh. There, there buddy. It’ll be…all right? God, what do I saaaaaay? I don’t know what to tell him anymore. Every time I tell him it was wrong he justifies it and then I don’t care to argue with him anymore. But I don’t really want to tell him he did the right thing because man, that’s just wrong. I’m just gonna go to the bar and find some drinks again when we get back.

We come across a krogan who is like blah blah blah blah. He is standing right next to an explosive pipe though and Garrus and Mordin seem to be looking at me like “Uh, Shep, you DO SEE that pipe right?” Yeah guys I do. I shoot it and the krogan starts on fire, and we have to fight off a bunch of vorcha all of a sudden.

We continue a bit further and find Mordin’s friend Maelon in a room, working with some weird dual omni-tools. We quickly realize he’s not being held against his will, and is in fact, working on a cure for the genophage. Oh boy.

Here we go.

Mordin and him argue for a while about who was right to do what and Maelon shouldn’t be experimenting on humans and all that. Mordin thinks about killing Maelon, but I tell him ya know, you shouldn’t just kill people unless you’re in a fight so we’re gonna have him go down a hallway with a gun, and THEN if he comes at us we can shoot him then. Maelon leaves, but we’ve got all this genophage data and Mordin wants me to decide what to do with it.

Goddammit.

Can’t YOU decide? 

Garrus? You want to decide? 

Fuuuuuuck. Where’s my coin?

I guess uh

I guess keep it?

God I hate this place, let’s leave.

One of the new dossiers from the Illusive Man was for Tali! Tali! Oooooh, I’m gonna go find Tali. Even though she seemed kinda mad at me when I saw her earlier. This, oh boy, I hope this isn’t awkward. 

I fly to the solar system that Tali is in and WHOA LOOK AT THAT SUN. JOKER WATCH OUT. DON’T FLY THE NORMANDY INTO THAT THING IT’S HUGE. FUUUUUUUUCK. Orbit that planet over there instead. 

We land and EDI informs me that there are Geth afoot! GETH! Also that direct sunlight will mess up my shields. Well that sucks. Thankfully the geth are no match for me, Gar, and Thane. I find a radio some of the quarians on the planet were using and find, unsurprisingly, that things are going wrong. I need to get through a door, but as soon as I discover this need, the geth blow up a pillar and block my route. Seriously guys? That’s so not cool. 

We need to go find a couple demo charges to blow the pillar up, and near them I also find a couple of Tali’s journal entries. Naturally I listen to them, and she is talking about me. That’s a little awkward. I…maybe I shouldn’t have listened. Oh well.

I grab the charges, hack some geth and make for the pillar. The charges blow and we dash through. 

Somewhere on the other side, we find a pretty badass quarian trying to fight off like a whole fuck ton of geth AND a geth colossus. Behind the colossus is a sealed up room that Tali is in. Okay slow down one second, why are you guys even here? What’s going on?

It turns out the quarians are interested in that crazy sun I almost drove into earlier, and are trying to recover information on it, but are mostly just dying. Thank god Commander Shepard is here, am I right? The quarian’s suit is ripped, but he’s still actin’ all gung ho about killing that colossus. Easy there buddy. You’re just gonna get yourself killed. Let us handle this.

Me, Gar, and Thane easily work our way through the geth, to get close to colossus. It would shut down and repair itself if we tried to take it out from far away, but throwing reaves and warps at it from closer cover fucked that thing up good. Also I find reaves to be a good outlet for my renegade urges. Those times when you hit someone and it seems to just suck their health out of them makes you feel just a little bit evil. Just evil enough to not need to be evil later. 

We get in the next room and hurray! It’s Tali! Oh and she seems less angry at me, even though I read her diary. That’s good. She agrees to come with me on the Normandy and the other quarian stumbles into the room to say goodbye and that he’ll pass her decision on to the admiralty board.

Back on the ship, Tali is in the debriefing room with me and Jacob. Fucking Jacob. He is again saying things to piss off the people I have just brought on to the ship.

JACOB WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR LAST NAME IS. I HAVE SERIOUSLY FORGOTTEN.

For fuck’s sake. 

Just don’t come to these fucking meetings anymore. 

After helping Miranda out, I’ve got one more important thing to do on Illium before I leave: buy some more drinks. 

Wait no.

I mean recruit Samara.

I talk to the transportation officer that Liara pointed me at and she explains that Samara’s in another district, but not to worry, she will drive me there in one of these fun space cabs. Oh thank goodness. 

At the district, a little volus is whining about something outside so I decide to talk to him first instead of just immediately doing what I came here to do because I guess I’ve got some weird ADD or compulsive order or something. 

“Commander, shouldn’t we be going to find Samara?”

“Yeah yeah yeah, one second, this guy might want to talk about something…”

He explains that he is gonna curtail it outta there because his business partner just got murdered and he thinks he’s next. Or he thinks he’s suspect? I kinda stop listening to volus when they start talking, and start wondering how satisfyingly they would roll down a flight of stairs. It seems like it would be really funny, but there’s no stairs around here, wouldn’t ya know. 

I finish up my conversation with Rolly Volly, and head inside to find someone who knows where the Justicar is. The asari cop there tells me that Samara is investigating the crime scene where the volus was killed and I can go on in too if I want, because this cop is just all out of care for any regulations. Also she wants me to get the Justicar away otherwise she’s gonna totally murder the cop and any other cops and probably lots of people because of her “code.” At my confusion over this code, the asari gets kinda worked up and tells me that you humans can’t even figure out your own religions. 

Whoa lady

Don’t pin that shit on me. 

I’m going to that crime scene, jeesh.

At the entrance to the alleyway, a couple of guards tell me to watch out because there might be Eclipse mercs in there still. What? Seriously? There’s still mercs…in the crime scene? Should you maybe go do something about them? What the hell.

Sure enough I round a single corner and there’s a big ol’ group of them. Me, Gar-Bear, and Thane pop theys asses pretty fast though and we keep moving. Eventually we come across Samara trying to get the name of a ship out of a merc who isn’t being very cooperative and Samara snaps her neck. 

I think I was supposed to be shocked or upset at this but really, I wasn’t. No, I get it, you got a code or whatever. It probably says “Kill mercenaries, especially if they aren’t being helpful, but also kill them if they are.” I didn’t really want to ENCOURAGE it either, but eeeeeeh. Where’s my coin again, I’m so sick of making my own decisions. 

The officer shows up to detain Samara and I’m like, no dammit, I wanted to detain her, on my ship, for collector killing. Samara won’t leave the planet without the name of the ship though, but agrees that if I get it for her, she’ll come with me and not kill any nice police officers. Sounds good. 

Back at the station, I talk to that Volus some more because I know he is a slime and he gives me a pass card to get to the eclipse base. In…an elevator. In….in the same building as this police station? Are you shitting me? There’s a fuck ton of eclipse holed up directly above a police station? That is fucked.

We go up there though and find out that the mercs are smuggling some drug or something that makes people go crazy biotic. I come across a volus who is super high who tells me the leader is in the next room. I kick the volus over, but alas there are no stairs nearby. He calms down a little though and leaves. Maybe he trips down some stairs then? That’s a nice dream.

In that next room, we fight off a bunch of asari and find a datapad with the name of the ship on it. Mission accomplished! We take it to Samara and she agrees to come with me and follow my orders, and help us kill the collectors and NOT kill any cops.