If I Had 300,000 Batarians…

The guys here at “The Project” are all totally indoctrinated, naturally, and are now deadset on getting up in my business while I try to launch this rock we’re on at that mass relay and then get the hell off it. I see an update on the countdown clock and notice that it has gone from 2 days to 1 and a half…

HOURS.

I WAS OUT FOR NEARLY TWO DAYS. WHAT THE SHIT.

Garrus must be worried sick. I mean my god, how is everyone on the Normandy not super concerned that I haven’t contacted them in DAYS? I just left the ship by myself and said I’d be back in a bit? Ugh, I feel so bad now that this occurs to me. I gotta take care of this stuff and get back there and get drunk with my crew and make this up to them.

I round a corner and see several dudes who immediately open fire on me. I yell “SHIELDS DOWN” to no one in particular, and start working my way through a bunch people who never should’ve kept me alive in the first place. Oooops.

I eventually make it to The Project control room and find a weird button to maybe push? I go talk to the computer there and say, hey let’s get this ball a rollin’ and destroyin’ stuff. It warns me that doing this is going to kill approximately THREE HUNDRED AND FIVE THOUSAND BATARIANS.

305,000.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.

Reapers would fuck them up more though, so away with the button pushing we go. The computer asks me if I want to warn the batarians. Uuuuuhhhhhh…

Yeah sure.

I don’t know what they’re gonna…DO. But yeah, let’s make sure their lives end in a horrible panic instead of blissful ignorance. As I am about to do this, Kenson comes on the screen and is super pissed at me. She intends to overload the eezo core and stop the Project anyways.

Godfuckingdammit anyways, now I gotta go stop her instead of just leaving and letting her die on this rock as it crashes into the relay. I kill a bunch of dudes, including some pyros that can’t seem to figure out that their weapon is a terrible idea because I just throw an incinerate at them and they explode and then the guy NEXT to them starts on fire too. I catch up to Kenson who tells me that she is so upset that she’s gonna die without ever seeing the Reapers’  uh… “blessing” and that I am just going to die. Jesus christ this woman.  Their blessing is murdering you. You can have some of MY “blessing” instead (bullets.)

Unfortunately she’s started something overheating which means I need to go activate some cooling cores which are of course far apart. Fuck everything. Fuck fuck fuck. I take care of the one right in front of me and start heading through any door that I can go through and hoping it leads me to the other one. I ain’t got a fucking tour guide to point me in the right direction, okay?

I find more pyros and at one point, incinerate one, who explodes and hurts the guy next to him who I then shoot right in the nuts. I pause for a moment to just laugh and laugh and laugh but there is that countdown going still so I keep moving to the second core which I manage to get to and activate as well. Then I find Kenson again, ranting and raving and dammit I just want to shoot her and oh shit I can! So I do! But she was holding a button that set off an explosion and kinda rocked my socks for a second.

Oh well, this thing is heading towards the relay which means it is definitely time to get off of it. I call the Normandy, but there’s interference and I can’t get through. Shit shit shit. I stomp around a bit, and then find that there’s a comm tower outside that should be able to call them. My god how are they not just ciricling around outside? How have they not put up “MISSING: COMMANDER SHEPARD. REWARD IF FOUND. LAST SEEN DRUNK OFF HER ASS” signs?

I get outside, after first stopping in an empty room to check if there’s any upgrade in it maybe or perhaps a crate of minerals just sitting around that I could take. Oh how nice! There is stuff for me! At least this wasn’t all for naught!

Outside I fight off the last few dudes and try to call the Normandy from the comm tower. I am rudely interrupted however by goddamn Harbinger. He tells me that I am annoying and it’s useless to fight or something. Dude, seriously. Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t fight back. It’s not like if we surrender you will work out a treaty with us! You JUST WANT TO KILL US. WE MIGHT AS WELL FIGHT BACK.

WE MIGHT AS WELL PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999.

Harbie goes away though and the Normandy thankfully picks me up. We make it through the mass relay just before it is hit by the asteroid and explodes. Whew!

Back on the Normandy, Admiral Hackett has apparently come by in person to tell me how awesome I am. No wait, he says people are upset because of all those Batarians I killed. Hmmph. And I need to go stand trial? JESUS H.

FINE. I’ll do it. BUT LATER.

He also says he would give me a medal if it was up to him. Like 300,000 medals?  Let’s do this. Oh it’s not up to him though so I guess no medals for me. Dang it.

The Admiral leaves and I head up to my room. I need a drink and a nap.

I am going to get so drunk that I pass out until March.