For the final mission, I pick my usual team of Garrus and Thane. Everyone else needs to stay and hold the line by this door. I can’t remember why I care if they get through this door. If you recall, I had a lot of wine before this mission started. Oh well, I work better with only two people at this point anyways. Even having Samara around for that last part was like, who’s this other person talking to me? What’s going on? Game: Thrown off!
The three of us climb on the platform and oh man, we look awesome. We look hot. We look like…something I might be open to later.
Ahem.
Anyways, I tell everyone else to stay here and shoot things while we ride this platform off into the sunset. Other platforms start flying in and connecting to it. Each one has a few collectors on it, but thankfully the platforms rotate and I can shoot the collectors from my platform as they come into view. It’s like a lazy susan of murder.
Finally a platform takes us to the center of the collector base where oooh my god what in the hell is that?
There is some sort of retarded three-eyed slack-jawed half-a-person giant robot hanging from the ceiling that all the tubes are feeding into. EDI tries to answer some of my questions, which it is obvious I have because I have not stopped looking confused and horrified for a good 5 minutes.
“So, they’re melting people down…to make a person reaper? Yes? Okay. So…I mean they melt people? And then…I guess I’m just getting lost at this concept here EDI! THEY’RE MELTING PEOPLE? AND THEN MAKING A REAPER OUT OF THAT? Well can I see like some schematics of how that works? You know what EDI, fine, forget it, just tell me how to blow it up.”
There’s 4 tubes at the top that are sporadically exposed because whoever is in charge of those tubes is an idiot.
“Okay, we got our human reaper hanging from the ceiling. Is it up there good, Bill?”
“Oh yeah, that thing ain’t coming down unless someone gets in here and shoots ALL FOUR of those tubes.”
“They would just need to shoot the tubes?”
“Well yeah, but no one’s getting in here anyways.”
“Right, but if someone did, they just have to shoot the tubes?”
“Well, yeah…but they have these shutter things that close so you can’t shoot them.”
“Oh, okay.”
“They open back up though.”
“WHAT?”
“Oh yeah, they totally will open back up after a few seconds.”
“GODDAMMIT BILL!”
Some lazy susans start flying in and I’ve had enough of talking about this reaper, let’s shoot those tubes, blow this thing up and get the hell out of here. I start blasting them, and the collectors that are showing up and the Reaper plummets pretty quickly. I pull up a chamber thing and get ready to rig the place to explode. Suddenly the Illusive Man wants to talk to me.
Oh. Good.
He says we should just kill the all the collectors and keep the base! It’ll be fun!
Oh fun? Like the science team on the derelict reaper? Or when you sent me to the disabled collector ship that wasn’t actually disabled? or hell, like the ride here through all the debris and robot eyes? Yeah, I don’t think so.
I set the explosion, and suddenly turn around to see the abortion of a reaper trying to attack us. The three of us start shooting it even though I don’t really know why. I just set this station to explode and would really prefer to just run the fuck away and let the explosion take care of everything, especially since knowing me, that explosion is probably set to go off in something like half a second. Still, we stay and kill the reaper and get caught up in the platforms crashing around us.
I get knocked out for a second but wake to find Garrus and Thane next to me. I check that they’re ok, help them both up and hear Joker telling me to hurry up. The three of us sprint towards the Normandy, and I leap into the airlock, barely grabbing it. Garrus pulls me up, as my bone weaves have made me too heavy to do a single pull up on my own now. The door slams shut, and we fly away as the base explodes.
Everyone is alive.
And we are all fucking badasses.
TO KASUMI’S ROOM!
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!