Back on the ship, I’m having a little chat with Captain Illusive Dude. Oh Shepard, he tells me, I totally knew it was a trap, but I don’t like to tell you everything but trust me I know what I’m doing. It might seem weird to act like you should trust me when I send you into traps but it was just my way of showing that I like you!
I flip him off and go back to the command center where I ask Kelly if she can keep that dude off my back for a while. I load up the galaxy map and decide that I’m too tired to do any big lofty missions right now; let’s just go to the Citadel.
We land and I wander around for a bit listening to ads and conversations. A couple of Krogan are concerned about eating some fish from the Presidium lake.
This looks like a job for Commander Shepard.
I head into the bar and find one of the groundskeepers and ask him if he can get me one of those fish. He tells me there aren’t any fish. Well.
As long as I’m in the bar, I might as well have a few drinks.
I run into the bathroom and…what the, there’s that turian! The one that is always in there when I pass out! Do you just stand in here waiting for me to drink myself into a stupor? I guess that wouldn’t take long!
I head back down to the Krogan and tell them that there are no fish and to stop cluttering up the air with their dumb conversations. They sigh and move on with their lives and I decide to go back to my spaceship. We’ll go to to uuuuuuh Tuchunka again! Help Grunt out, see how Wrex is doing.
On Tuchunka, Wrex tells me that Grunt is reaching adulthood and needs to do something something something, god I’m so bad at paying attention. I have liqour-induced attention deficit disorder, I swear to god. WREX OH MY GOD I HAVE THE COOLEST SPACESHIP! Oh Grunt’s thing, right right…
We go talk to the Shaman who tells us Grunt needs to go do some fighting and he can take some people with him. No not your whole crew, jeesh, like two people or something. Like two people exactly. Like him, you, and someone else.
This one Krogan won’t shut up, so I headbutt him. I wanted to just start headbutting every Krogan I encountered, but I couldn’t.
The shaman dude sends us out to a battlefield and I’m supposed to activate a keystone to start the ritual. Wait hold on, I need to bypass this thing. Grunt keeps pestering me. ACTIVATE THE KEYSTONE.
HOLD. ON.
I need these credits.
Finally I activate it and a bunch of varren start coming at us in well spaced out groups. Hardly a challenge for me, Gar, and Grunt. Oh gosh is your varren on fire, I think it is. Next up is Klixen, but really the most terrifying part is the giant monster that drops them? I think it drops them. I tried shooting that thing like a dozen times before I realized it was just unphased by me. After the Klixen, Grunt is again yelling at me to activate the keystone, but I am picking up ammo and searching these dead Krogan out here. At last I activate it again and the ground starts rumbling.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what
Then at the edge of the arena thing, pops up a goddamn Thresher Maw.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm what
After the initial jaw drop though, I immediately spring into action. BIG GUN BIG GUN BIG GUN.
I have the particle beam with me which is nice because this damn thing keeps popping back into the ground and popping back up elsewhere and I probably would’ve missed with the CAIN. Eventually we kill the thing and then, then I notice that the challenge was only to survive for like 5 minutes.
Well.
Fuck it, I wouldn’t have wanted to be around that thing for another like 2 minutes.
Suddenly this other Krogan that was being a douche to Grunt earlier is there and asking Grunt to join his clan. Oh what, now that he helped kill this Thresher Maw he’s all cool? I like him for his charming personality! I tell Grunt it’s his choice, because I know he’ll make the right one. He tells this other Krogan to screw off and we get to fight them. Dammit, I thought I was done fighting after that damn Maw.
Grunt’s mission completed, we head back to the Normandy but on our way hear that there have been several breeding requests put in for Grunt.
And one for me.
I….
accept.