So I died.
You all heard about that right? Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, Destroyer of Reapers, Ultimate Badass: DEAD.
Of course you did.
Well I’m back. It was totally gross to watch too. My heart looked like it had been smoking cigarettes to impress the other organs. I’m sure they also pulled my heart’s tiny leather jacket, and tiny motorcycle out of me when they were fixing me up.
I almost woke up at one point and the Miranda’s giant face was all kinds of up in my personal space, so I quickly closed my eyes and pretended nothing had happened.
It wasn’t much longer though and her bossy voice was yelling at me to get up, don’t worry about your face it’ll look better later, I promise, hurry up, don’t grab your side, does your rib hurt or something? Find some Medi-gel, MOVE MOVE MOVE.
I grabbed a pistol and my armor (which I put on at goddamn record speed) and headed for the doors. Miranda kept yelling what to do at me, which was pretty nice honestly because I had completely forgotten what to do with a gun, or how to take cover or ANYTHING.
Eventually I make it to Jacob, who is surprised to see me and in the middle of fighting mechs. Not so in the middle of it though that he can’t answer a whole bunch of questions. Who are you? What is this place? What’s going on? Where are you from? Oh geesh fine, we can shoot the mechs and THEN ask questions; you are such a baby.
I play 20 Questions with Jacob for a while and then we continue our way out of this strange place. We find a guy named Wilson, who is laying on the floor hurt. Jacob tells me to grab some Medi-Gel. While he just stands there. Who just woke up from a two year coma, douchebag? Grab the gel your goddamn self. He didn’t though, no matter how long I just stood there, angry at him.
We continue on with Wilson now, until we finally get to a door that flies open and there’s Miranda and WHAT SHE SHOT WILSON? HE WAS MY…acquaintance? Ah, nevermind I didn’t like him either. I still yell at her for shooting him because I like yelling at her and then we bitch it the fuck out of there.
Also Jacob mentioned that they’re with Cerberus, and I was like “you best check yo self.” Followed by an angry glare. A glare…like no other!